Do you ever just want to give up?
by PayItForwardYo
Summary: In the face of adversity, Regina considers giving up her struggle. Emma's there to help her through her doubts.


**Author's Note: **Warning you guys. I am not a writer. But Regina's development over the past two season has utterly fascinated me to the point where I had to get some of these thoughts out of my head and onto "paper". And if I don't post this somewhere I will never consider it done and will tweak it and tweak it until it's dead. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life.

**Warnings:** There's mention of self harm somewhere in the middle. Not graphic at all. Please skip this one if that bothers you. Also, did I mention that I'm not a writer?

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"Do you ever just want to give up?"

Emma and Regina were sitting on the couch, well within each other's personal space but not touching. They'd been sitting that way for a while now, simply unwinding after a long Saturday with family. Regina had poured herself a glass of wine that she sipped from occasionally and Emma was nursing her second beer. Their family was wonderful but it still made for an exhausting day.

Regina still referred to the Charmings as Emma or Henry's family and Emma never really corrected her, except in her mind, even though they were Regina's family too. It was hard for Regina to either accept or admit - Emma wasn't really sure which - that'd she's picked up a family that cared about her and Emma didn't want to push too hard. Regina was the strongest person she knew but so fragile in some respects that Emma always handled her with care.

With that in mind, she turned towards her friend and replied casually, "Hmmm?", like she hadn't been paying attention and missed what Regina said. In fact, she'd heard it quite clearly and felt her gut tighten immediately with anxiety. She was just being a coward and buying herself some time.

Questions like this from Regina always concerned her. Emma knew that deep down Regina was convinced that the only way she could truly pay for her sins was with her life. Whenever danger came to town - which was more often than statistically normal - Regina was flinging herself in front of fireballs and lightning bolts and arrows, sometimes before Emma even knew they had a new foe. The fact that she looked at dying as Regina and not the Evil Queen as some sort of consolation prize scared her silly.

But thoughts like these had lessened over the last year as things had quieted down and Emma had managed to push these worries to the corner of her mind. She knew that Regina would never choose to protect herself over another but it no longer occurred to her to worry that she would actively look to do herself harm to atone for her sins.

"I asked if you ever just want to give up."

But it occurred to her now. She suddenly wished she hadn't opened that second beer. This wasn't a conversation that she should be having with a buzz. She shifted on the sofa again so that she was leaning her shoulder against the back and facing Regina fully. Regina just continued to stare into the amber liquid she was absently swirling in her glass.

Emma briefly considered lying to try and nip this in the bud but she quickly dismissed the idea. If they were going to have this conversation it needed to based on the truth.

"Sure I do. You know I do. That's the kind of thinking that almost landed Henry and I back in New York. Without you." Emma raised her arm that was half trapped between her torso and the back of the sofa and rested it on Regina's shoulder. Thoughts of that time were still hard for Regina, she knew, and she wanted to offer some sort of physical contact as she mentioned it - a small affirmation that they hadn't gone anywhere. "But you knew that already. What's this about?"

The wine continued to swirl. It seemed that Regina had lost all interest in drinking it. "Nothing. You're right. I already knew that."

Emma furrowed her brow. She needed to draw this out of her friend. When her thoughts turned down this road, Regina didn't have the self esteem to get herself back on the right path. All the negative thoughts constantly surging through her head would put her down an incredibly self destructive path in no time. Emma knew this; she'd seen how quickly Regina could give up on herself.

"Please look at me. And tell me what happened."

It took a second but Regina did look at her. She took a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. She sounded as if the whole conversation had already exhausted her. "Nothing happened. David was making a joke at my expense. It was actually rather funny."

Emma frowned and it caused Regina to sigh again. David had never learned to be careful with Regina and it frustrated Emma to no end. He was sweet and good, but he'd seen Regina bounce back from so much that he just couldn't train himself to treat her with care. Emma held firm to the belief that he could try harder in that regard, even when Regina refused to hold him accountable when he hurt her. Emma knew Regina thought she deserved it.

"What did he say?"

Regina studied her for a moment then replied, "Nothing. I don't even remember."

Emma growled slightly in frustration and ask her again in a low and almost danger tone. "You do. What did he say?"

Regina quirked a small smile in her direction. Emma had told Regina of her frustration with David in a moment of weakness and she clearly didn't want to throw him under the bus now. All of those traits that made her the most feared Evil Queen in all the land also made her the most amazing ally anyone could hope for. Emma wasn't surprised when she stuck to her guns; Regina just shook her head.

Knowing when she had lost an argument with Regina, Emma reluctantly gave up. But she couldn't stop this conversation. Regina was still completely broken next to her. "Fine." It sounded petulant to Emma's ears and she consciously gentled her tone. "But what he said hurt you. And that's not ok."

Regina went back to staring at her wine. Emma wasn't that unhappy because it occurred to her that Regina might find it easier to explain her problems to a wine glass than directly to Emma.

Hey, whatever works.

"It's ok. Really. I..."

Emma tightened her grip almost painfully on Regina's shoulder and the older woman stopped abruptly. Emma knew it had hurt even though she hadn't meant it to. But Regina didn't make a sound. She just looked at Emma in mute question. "Don't you dare say you deserve it. You know I don't believe that."

Regina continued to look at her with eyes suddenly brimming with unshed tears. She answered in a whisper. "I know you don't. But I do."

Emma felt her heart break a little and she scooted closer to her friend and pulled her into a hug. Regina resisted at first - she always did - but relaxed into the embrace almost immediately. Emma felt dampness on her shoulder and knew it was from Regina's tears.

Regina's ear was right by her lips and Emma whispered directly to her the only thing that she could think to say to try and help her friend. "I know you think about giving up. And I know it must seem like the right choice sometimes. But I'm telling you it isn't. You have to keep fighting. I need you to do it for me and for Henry - for your whole family. I promise you, we're worth fighting for. We love you and you **do **deserve it."

She kept hold of Regina and felt her pull in a deep and shuddering breath. But something about it felt different and Emma dared to hope that her words had made some sort of impression. After a moment Regina gently pulled back from Emma's embrace and smoothed her disheveled hair back into place. Emma refused to let her break their contact completely and left a hand resting on Regina's shoulder.

Regina noticed, and apparently didn't mind the continued invasion of her personal space because she offered Emma a small smile. "I think I have a little more fight in me after all."

Emma could still hear the strain in Regina's voice and knew she was going to have to keep an eye on her. But for now it was an important first step and a good building block. She would make it her mission to help Regina see that she had to stop living in the past if she ever wanted to try and atone for it.

But that was for tomorrow.

"Did David actually manage to land a joke?" That earned her a smile and Emma finally felt some of the anxiety she'd been feeling drain away.

"Yes, he actually did."

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That's it you guys. Feel free to share your thoughts if you're so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.


End file.
